Equal and Unequal Relationships

by Don and Martha Rosenthal

The momentum of history presents me with the unequal dominant-submissive relationship, in which real intimacy is scarcely possible. In the dominant role I take more seriously my own self-interest and do what I want without worrying about my partner. In the subservient role (actually a disguised form of self-interest) I regard my partner's needs as paramount, swallow my feelings, and avoid standing up for what I want: I do what my partner wants and lack care for myself.

Although superiority and inferiority sound like polar opposites, they are simply reverse sides of a single coin: unworthiness. My need to be either dominant or subservient arises from my feeling bad about myself; I believe I require something from my partner to allay my discomfort. Such a relationship arises from our mutual insecurity; both of us are willing to play our unhappy roles. It inevitably leads us to the limitation and resentment inherent in all hierarchical relationship.

If I am the subservient member and get angry at my dominant partner for being controlling or overly assertive, I have missed the key point: I have chosen to be in an unequal relationship. I may naturally experience fear when I contemplate a relationship based on equality. Our culture has taught us little about balanced intimacy, so for most of us it requires learning and practice. Nevertheless, I will discover that the instant I choose not to be in an unequal relationship I am free, and can't be controlled. Comfortable in myself, I will relate from a stance of equality with everyone, free from issues of power. Whenever someone tries to relate hierarchically with me (from either end) it will neither bother me nor take effect.

The equal partnership inevitably faces the challenge of contradictory desires around money, sex, living situation, children, use of time, and so forth. If my partner and I wish to establish equality then we will each agree to ask for what we want without demanding it. Each of us will take the other's preferences into account at the same level as our own. We will each develop comfort in saying, "Here's what I want; how is that for you?" If I'm inclined toward the dominant role, I tend to omit the second half of this proposal. If I am submissive, I neglect the first half. It helps to know on which side I tend to err.

The way these things are ultimately resolved is greatly affected by the purpose we both bring to negotiation. Focusing on the solution to a problem before finding emotional alignment is starting from the wrong end. My partner and I experience frustration when trying to "work things out" before establishing an emotionally safe atmosphere. No matter how skilled we are at communicating, it is difficult to proceed effectively without a presumption of goodwill underlying the disturbance, a sense of wishing each other well. A feeling of "I want it to work for you, too," is essential to progress. We'd like to put our heads and hearts together and come up with something with which we are both happy and satisfied. Such a joint purpose will bring forth a positive outcome.

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